I have always been a loner, ever since I could remember I preferred
being by myself rather than being with other people. I always thought it was
because of my parents and the fact that we moved a lot, and this being a loner
thing was a result of the fact that every time we moved I had to leave my old
friends and make new ones.
I always had two kinds of friends, my neighbourhood friends
and my friends at school, the school I went to was always a bit far from the place
I lived and I always seemed to go to a different school than my neighbourhood
friends. As time went on a we moved once more I stopped making neighbourhood
friends and only had friends at school, the problem was they were also sort of
like me, antisocial types so we got along just fine.
I did not really like attention from people because I felt
if I was popular than I would have to deal with speaking to people I do not
like, dealing with negative people and people who did things I was against at
that time. My not being social, not being seeing anywhere created this
mysteriousness around me. No one really understood me; in fact I did not
understand myself. People would come to me and say they know my type and that people
like me, the silent type are the ones people should watch out for. Others have
even said if anyone could commit those mass murder type killings it would be
me.
I was a pretty weird kid most of the time against most of
what people said, maybe because I did not want to be associated with what the
majority of people did or believed. I thought people did not think first, they
just did and followed and I was against sheepish behaviour. This was around the
time I started to question my own religion, I figured I had never really had or
chosen my own religion up until that point I believed what my parents had led
me to believe.
I was a heavy thinker, sometimes I would think of the
weirdest things. I felt like what was the brain for if not to think, I wanted
to understand people and how they behave or react and sometimes I would
deliberately do something or say something to someone to see how much I could
get away with saying or doing. I found that most people did not get my style of
interaction until it was absolutely blunt and in their face.
Most of the time I did not care what others thought of me,
in fact I did not want to interact with most people but there were a few people
I did care about. I cared about what they thought of me and hoped that they saw
through my shields and external toughness. Only one person has ever really
understood me in my life and that mostly because we were alike and she figured
out my tells but also the fact that I let her in. I guess I understand now why people
who are/who were in love break down when they are hurt in relationships; it is
because they have exposed themselves to their partners and they are at their
most vulnerable. Their partners know how to hurt them but as people especially
people in love we hope that our partners will not hurt us and use this vulnerability
to show our trust. When this trust is shattered it could take anything from
months to years to ever open up to someone else like that again.
When I left home and went to university I was introduced to
a whole new world, see I was a loner but I have never had a difficult time
getting along with other people, most of the time I just chose not to interact
with others or to take the initiative and introduce myself to others. I met a
few guys early on because I lived in a mixed residence with both guys and
girls. We got close pretty early on and by a few weeks time all the cliques had
been already formed. Instead of sitting by myself all day every day, I would watch
soccer with the guys, watch rugby with the guys, watch movies, series and play
x-box 360 with the guys. We would smoke hubbly bubbly and go out to clubs with
the guys to just pick up chicks and have fun. I had never before spent so much
time with other guys with the exception of when I was still a kid before our
first move.
I finally realised that because I never really had a hard
time socialising it was my parent’s fault that I became antisocial because of
all the moving around. I in turn stopped interacting with others because maybe
I felt that I would make new friends and would have to leave them soon. I did
not want to form emotional ties that I would soon have to forget.
06:22
Fitness 2021
